Soul/Sole Mate

To all the lovely wedded couples and the non wedded couples of this world...

Though I am writing this for every human being in this world who are searching for that perfect partner and have many dreams and aspirations and not to forget expectations from the soul mate. This piece has been pending since a couple of years and I have a plan to write an entire book titled 'Touch' on this topic, however a small conversation at the reception of my nephew triggered this quick act.

"Soul/Sole mate, a term searched by everyone, but found by some". So the conversation at the reception was the bride and the groom were being advised by their well wisher that they must  remain in love always, they must not end up like most of the couples end up after a couple of years of marriage, bored, nothing in common, regretting the act of matrimony, buried under the pressure of compromises, making everyone happy, living your life for the children, groceries, daily chores and routine. 

The world comes crashing down very soon especially for women who are always looking for romance, the never ending one, like the song of Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud. The starting lines being, "Darling I would be loving you to seventies"

And soon starts the arguments, the dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the emptiness, the hollow feeling and all the sad words one can think of. 

So while this conversation was on, I made up my mind to write how to keep the excitement alive, how to live with the same partner and not wish that life could have been different if it was someone else or now there is no way out but compromise and keep managing with whatever the Karmic bank account has given us.

It is not that my life has been a bed of roses and there have been no thorny moments or it has been like I myself have never felt that wish, that I should have kept the matrimony ritual at bay. I have been through it all, have also had my share of breaks and bonds, of arguments and dissatisfaction, of having the feeling that one has to always fight for attention, pay a price for love and compromise at every junction and phase of life. However I have come out of it with flying colors every time and realized some hard facts which could be put in one simple line "Live and Let Live". A lot of credit goes to my partner who made equal efforts to heal and work for saving the day. Actually it would have been a bed of roses if this mantra was practiced from day one. But then again no regrets as if life had been a bed of roses, I would not have been writing this blog.

I feel very sad when men and women relate to forwards and messages which depict them like victims of being married. There are of course more men who seem to be the victims than women. Though more women approach me than men do. Whatever the gender percentage and ratio be, it does not matter, what matters is there are more unhappy couples than happy ones, more extra marital affairs than marital ones, more divorces and separations than soul/sole mates. more broken families than bonded families. 

You must have noticed the title and me reiterating the term soul/sole mate. So let me begin with this very word. Soul is an entire Universe that we are trying to find in one human being. when we fall in love, our soul mate becomes our world, the entire Universe. This is very beautiful, very dreamy, very romantic, but unrealistic when we expect one human being to give everything, to be everything, to fulfill all the expectations and to give all the love of the world. Focus for a while on the four words "You are my world" Does not that sound huge, does it not seem like Atlas, the God who is seen carrying the world on his shoulders. 

I feel we must be more human than Gods and ensure and focus more on first finding and exploring the sole rather than the soul when you get married. Honey Moon was created for the same purpose centuries ago when people lived in joint families. Honey Moon was to go to a romantic location and not go for sight seeing, but stay indoors and explore the deepest core of the bodies and in the process one would find the soul through the sole. When two people come together in the act of matrimony, whether they have had physical relationship earlier, or they are totally new to each other, focusing on sole will surely lead to the soul.

Premarital counselling is therefore of utmost importance in case not prepared for this wonderful union when bodies come together to make the soul dance for ever. This is where the dance of life must begin. 

I am of course not suggesting that we focus on the numbers here, I am suggesting we focus on fulfillment through trial and errors, releasing the inhibitions, acceptance of the various contours and look forward to intimacy as a part of therapeutic measure to face the challenges this new phase may bring in the forthcoming, years and decades of togetherness.

I feel that a couple can look forward to each day and each week and a lifetime of never ending exploring journey. There is no need to hurry once the initial map has been laid out. Work in centimeters. savor slowly, devour like a connoisseur. 

Lay the foundation of a lifetime. Once this is done, let us now look at the other pillars of this Monument of Togetherness which you are going to build.

Let us now begin with the first pillar. RESPECT according to me is a very important aspect of an ever lasting relationship. I have come across thousands of couples and have seen true love only where mutual respect has been the strongest pillar. 

When I say respect it is not just addressing the spouse with respect. Respect I feel begins with respecting everything about the other person. And it must begin by finding out what the other person dislikes, rather than likes. We always begin by asking the other person, So what do you like to do, what are your hobbies, what movies do you like, what food do you like, etc. We do this to see if there is compatibility of thought process and habits. I feel it would be too boring if two people have the same likes and same choices. It will look like they are twins and not partners. 

Therefore starting with what you dislike would be a better way to start respecting. "So you don't like eggs sunny side up, I respect that and when we make breakfast we shall first make my eggs which are suuny side up as I like, and then make for you so that the pan is nice and fresh for you.' This is called respecting the other persons dislikes and respecting it and not trying to convert them into like you. Problems begin when one says, 'why don't you try sunny side up, it is very delicious that way.' Now what you may find as delicious may be yucky to the other person. Remember the mantra live and let live. The biggest factor often lies in the smallest of likes or dislike. It may be too trivial to you but may mean a lot to the other person. This pillar is not just essential for married partners, but the strongest pillar for all the relationships. We need to respect others as they are and not try to change them to what we think is good. 

In fact Respect is the essence of acceptance. This is how we accept people and things around us as they are. We can certainly change ourselves, if we find that we want to evolve and let go of negative traits, but advising others, and bringing to their notice and showing them the mirror is not needed as there are still many centimeters of our selves which we need to keep seeing in the mirror.

The next pillar is SPACE

When we have respect for the likes and dislikes of our partners, we are able to give them space to do what they like and do not expect  that they leave everything and keep making you happy. 

Marriages would certainly be wonderful if we would not smother the other. 

Having your me time, your set of friends, your activities is as important as spending time together, socializing together and doing many things together. 

This keeps the excitement always high, so many topics to discuss, so much to share and the world to love and learn. This also teaches us to be secured and trust the partner. 

It would be great to join a dance class together, but it would also be awesome to go on a trip alone or with other friends. It would be super to have a boys night out and sometimes just be alone. This not only breaks the routine, but also lets each one to let their hair down.  

I have noticed many people, men and women who would be talking and enjoying freely till their spouse joins them. I have seen how they shut down or there is a complete change of personality in front of their spouse. As if suddenly the guards go up. 

So give space to each other, whether in the house, or in the relationship. Draw some boundaries which are of course not too rigid. Flexibility is of course the Mantra of being a happy person. This does not mean you bend backwards or something. 

TRUST. Already mentioned above. Mistrust has broken many families and have led them to the path of Paranoia. Once again when I say trust, I don't just mean just trusting your partner with other males or females, I mean trusting the partner to be the one who wishes good for you, who cares for you, who does not mean harm to you. Trusting that a piece of advice is only because he or she cares. Trust becomes difficult when you don't trust yourself. One who believes in himself or herself, who has a good self esteem always trusts others. Trust also must not be so fragile that one act or one mistakes makes it difficult to repair.

There are many phrases and quotes which teach us that once the trust is lost, it is difficult to gain it back to feel the same way. I would say let these phrases remain phrases, in reality, you are a repairable human being. You can build it again and do not change your default system with one virus. 

EVERY DAY FIRST DAY

Boredom in a relationship sets in when we take things for granted, this is the killer blow. This kills the excitement, the novelty, the looking forward to effect.

How about greeting each other good morning with a hug even after 40 years of marriage first thing in the morning. Couples have confessed that though they have the spouse sleeping next to them, the first thing they reach for these days is the phone where people post good mornings. I would strongly recommend to look into the phone after all the morning routine is over. Like hugging your partner, sitting and sipping tea together, silently enjoying the tea and the company, keeping the newspaper also at bay. Have your 30 golden minutes in the morning and 30 golden moments before sleeping. Believe me you shall need no doctors ever and depression will never creep in your life. Holding each other is more therapeutic than a spa and more relaxing than a glass of wine. 

Next factor is grooming. For instance need not be only when you are going out for a party. Once in a while, while organizing a candle light dinner at home, dressing would be awesome. even while being at home, wearing good clothes is essential than roaming in night wear. Stylish and Comfortable clothing is a good factor.

Bathing together is another exciting activity which newly weds and couples like, however as the children come into the lives, this becomes a rare activity and almost never like. 

Spas are now as every corner as we are too lazy to massage our spouse and enjoy the foreplay.

Giving little surprises like a little note of love or appreciation or gratitude with a smiley on it. In the world of technology, we send forwards. Create something of your own, genuine, original. Let this not be a pressure. 

While you give space to your partner, ensure that there are some activities you do together. Pottery, painting, cooking, gardening, a sport etc.

Have secrets. This is very exciting to have some conversations, gestures, eye contacts which are only your secrets no third person ever knows that. Newly weds have this, but over the years it gets lost. 

To maintain the excitement, certainly some efforts have to be put. Just like you go to a salon and spend on your external grooming, do spend also on internal evolving. Go for Yoga, learn mindfulness meditation, learn massages. Be involved in your marriage as much as you are involved with your work and your children. 

Never take your spouse for granted, especially when the promotion arrives and more responsibilities are on you and also when the children arrive and huge responsibilities are there.

I think I have given the ingredients in the form of four pillars of creating everlasting love. Your Monument of Togetherness. Start with liking and love will follow and remain forever. And Yes true love does win over all the obstacles, rough times and even almost lost relationship. 

Here is wishing you all who are reading this togetherness.

with magical love

Salma