PUBG - Concern of many Parents.

PUBG - Concern of many Parents. 

Recently almost everyday, I have one parent or more contacting me for consultation regarding the struggles they are facing with their child who is addicted to playing pubg. All the cases are of boys. Girls also play, however I have not been approached by any parents. 

According to one times of India article, almost 400 million people around the world play Player Unknown's Battle Grounds (PUBG). In each game, up to one hundred players parachute onto an island and then look for weapons to kill the others without getting killed themselves. The last player or the last team standing wins the game.

Now we all know that game addiction is not a new phenomenon. However committing suicide, blackmailing parents, manipulating situations, bunking school to stay at home and play the game, telling lies to enter a competition, developing tennis elbow, Obesity, aggressively reacting neglecting hygiene, avoiding social situations, are matters of grace concern. And these are the complaints the parents are coming with. 

The most alarming is that children are telling their parents they shall commit suicide as a blackmailing act and there have been incidences of suicide due to refusal to buying a certain smart phone or not allowing the child to play. 

Parents feel helpless, angry, scared and are concerned about the future of the child. 

Unfortunately parents also approach a counselor when the damage is too severe and try using all the tricks under the sun themselves which in most cases results only in the child using all the intelligence to find a way to keep playing. While in therapy they do not adhere to all the guidelines.

Is playing a phone game bad?. 

Not at all if the game is involving strategies to play football, cricket, or any game that does not involve killing. It is acceptable and often good if it is a brain training game filled with puzzles and riddles and if one has self control and can switch off from it to do other tasks to develop a wholesome personality. It is most wonderful to actually get involved in an outdoor play. 

Players have argued why Candy crush addiction has not caused a ban on the game. It could be because Candy crush does not involve killing people. 

About the brain. It certainly has a tendency to get trained pretty fast and easy. And if one is playing killing others five to six hours or even for a little while everyday, the brain is getting trained to kill. Just as the positive affirmations help us be positive. Just like practicing math makes you perfect in math.

I would like to skip the consequences and jump straight to the part where parents want to know what to do. 

Let me guide you in three situations beginning with the most severe where the child is already addicted because the steps to control and curb the formation of addiction were not taken in the early stages. So this would be 'The Addict' who shows all the symptoms of addiction. Parents need to take a break from everything else they are doing and make this a priority.

This has to be treated with utmost caution and patience. Quick fixes will not work. Parents need to stay on the path and the techniques and not jump from one method to other. Actually there is no other method but to slowly wean the child away by doing the following.

There will be three stages for you as well. So you both as parents or you as single parent need to gear up for first stage
1. First do a research on the game. This will help you to actually understand the need of the child. The child is addicted because it gives a feeling of winning, it gives a feeling of being in control, it gives a feeling of being popular. Or that he likes to interact with others as PUBG is an interactive game. The need also may stem from boredom or escaping from a situation. children with learning difficulty often look for escape from their current activity and may have higher tendency to play more games as an escape mechanism.
2. Check your own pattern of using the phone when you are around family members. Also check your own needs and how you handle them. By needs I mean how you handle your social and emotional needs. Are you aware of your needs.
3. Observe your own way of communicating and tone of conversations. For example whether you respond or react during stressful situations. Do you get upset or angry. Do you speak calmly or loudly.
4. Now make a plan for the month to help your child be free of addiction. Putting this on paperl would be great. The plan would include how you will together work on the stages mentioned and calmly monitor the progress each day. Noting down really helps. Using a scale of 1 to 10 to note the progress also helps. If the child is very manipulative and plays after you have gone to work, then monitoring in the initial stages would be essential where at least one parent stays around and monitors closely.
5. Together as parents observe the severity of the addiction. Watch if he is compromising on all the other things like  health, social activities, hygiene, studies, food, just to get back to the phone to play the game.
6. Take help from a professional.

Stage 2

Now you are actually in the effort mode.  

1. Try fulfilling the needs with other substitutes for example if the need is for winning, then as a parent you would know the other games he likes. Play those games with him and encourage. If the need is for being in control, encourage community activities where he plans and executes the program and feels good for getting the attention and appraisal. If the need is being popular look for various opportunities to participate in other sports. 

2. Enroll the child in a computer programming class if the child says he wants to become a person who makes the game. Today there are many who feel they can make a career in playing games.

3. Career counseling can help to understand if the child has other interests like astronomy, birds, photography, music etc. 

4. Very important is to control yourself as a parent to stop going in the advising mode and remain in the 'Let us do it' mode. Advising is why don't you takeu p a sport instead of wasting your time on the phone. Let us do it together would be .How about going for a trek together, or joining swimming together etc.

5. Create distractions like more outdoor activities and going to places with no network. A digital detox is required for all but someone with addiction needs more. 

I had read of Candy crush rehabs and in the future there shall be more digital detox centers and rehabs. 

So invest your time and money in going to places where there are jammer or no network. At the same time ensure there are other things to do to keep the mind busy. For example one family told me that the child liked playing cards and Monopoly. So as a family they have been advised to do that frequently. 

6. Keep your conversations and communication very pleasant and positive. Patronizing, preaching and moral lectures will not have an effect. It would be better for them to read the ill effects of the game rather than you pointing it out. 

7. Do not be in a hurry for results but do keep celebrating your little moments like the first time you see the changes coming. Also be prepared for a long haul as there may be times you see improvement and other times no change at all. Keep your efforts consistent and with prayers and hope. 

8. Do not stay in the past and keep saying 'See last time the same thing happened' or "You said you shall stop playing after 5 minutes, but you are still playing". "How can I trust you, you are always telling me a lie".

9. Definitely approach a counselor and follow their guidelines and keep going for sessions regularly. 

10. Quietly monitoring and being there is most important as if the child is alone for longer duration, he may relapse. 

11. Use visualization technique where you both visualize your child free of addiction. Imagine he is paying more attention to developing a hobby he likes. Now all the research is fine on his hobbies. Visualize him to be a responsible child. 

12. When the child is playing, go and sit next to him and just be there. Do not comment or say negative things. 

13. Giving a soothing head massage with positive statements from the mind has a very good impact. Give a soothing massage and repeat in the mind the qualities you want to see in your child. For example "You are calm, peaceful, loving intelligent person". "You are responsible person". 

Your child may push you or not let you the massage. In that case do the transferring of positive statements anyways from a distance. 

Stage 3

You shall be in stage 3 when you see that the communication between you and your child is better now. 

1. Keep your efforts on Bonding and communicating positively. 

2. Have pleasant conversations.

3. Encourage healthy debates

4. Do not let your guard down as far as the effort to keep doing stage1& 2 as tendency for addiction to other games would be there. 

One family started watching Netflix to avoid PUBG and the teenager soon got addicted to Netflix. 

5. Do write your success stories and share for others to follow. 

NIP IT IN THE BUD

These  steps are for parents who have just observed that the child has started playing the game. This will be a very good time to nip it in the bud before the entire situation gets out of hand. It is necessary for parents to know what games their children are playing. When my son was small, he would also get tempted to play GTA and later Counter Strike which were video and PSP games. The moment I saw he had the games, I immediately put a restriction saying that no killing games would be allowed. He could play sports and for the schedule time and not beyond that. The timelines would be a little more only when his cousin came for holidays. But we always had outdoor plans like, zoo, park, planetarium, prince of Wales Museum, Book stores, etc. As the restrictions were put in earlier stages, I have never had the reason to ever remind him that again. Even after he is now 27. He also took a look at PUBG, but soon lost interest. Real sports is his life. I m sharing my personal experience as believe me it was not difficult at all to find other interesting activities. 

So follow the steps below if you notice your child has started playing killing games. 

1. Get to know about the game. 

2. Have a discussion and understand the views and opinion of the child regarding the game.

3. Listen carefully to how he feels about it. Is he playing because of peer pressure or because he wants to be in the scene and conversation regarding the same with his friends. 

4. Very nice but firmly explain that killing games will not be accepted.

5. Create more Bonding time outdoors.

6. Take an outdoor game course together. Children generally want their parents to accompany them to the gymkhana or sports club. But not always. 

7. Understand the other needs of the child. Understand what makes him feel good. Also let them slowly understand the why's?

8. Just do not say "Why don't you do this or that instead of playing video games". Be a part of this and that which you suggest.

9. Try to let them stick to simple phones if really necessary. 

10. Handle their need for "all are playing, why can't I"? with calmness and explaining that he could influence the others to also play outdoor sport.

11. Keep positive conversation and give positive strokes for listening to the parents.

12. Do not get into negotiating mode "If you will study, I shall let you play"

13. Definitely ensure that you are a great role model. As children are more observant than you are. So if you are spending too much time on phone, they shall just follow suit.

14. Keep blowing the trumpet to your friends and relatives as to how your child does not have the need for killing games and how he utilizes his intelligence in other activities like sports, community service, developing hobbies, reading, writing, helping parents at home etc. 

15. Share your experiences of nipping it in the bud with others on mom groups etc. So others also do the same. 

16. Pat yourself for being able to save yourself and the child from the disasters of an addiction. 

PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE.

This is for the parents whose children are small and have yet not begun. This according to me is the easiest.

1. Keep your children away from phones and do not give it as a toy to keep them busy. Books, board games, parks, libraries, art, music, dance, painting, trips and actual play needs to be their lives. 

2. Because you want to see them technology savvy, stick for thrice a week screen time for little time. Only on big screens monitors or big tablet and under supervision and monitoring. 

3. Ensure there is plenty of outdoor time in their life.

4. Ensure they know the nuances of phone games and addiction in advance

5. Make them feel proud they are spending time wisely

6. Have plenty of conversation time and fun time. 

7. Help them find a real life passion. 

8. Add community service and social work in their lives at an early stage. 

9. Be a great role model. 

Always remember that there are millions who are also not addicted so look at their methods, what they are doing, how the parents are keeping them occupied. 

Parents have a tendency to feel very proud about the abilities of the children when it comes to using technology from a young age. They feel proud when a one year child is able to use the phone better than adults, but this could turn into a major hindrance for his future if it turns into an addiction. 

Porn addiction is another issue many parents are not even aware about. 

Do write to me your experiences and share this far and wide. 

You may write to me on salmaprabhu7@gmail.com or call my center on 9322851484 for consultation and intervention. We are located at Vashi, Navi Mumbai

You can also read my book on parenting Mom Dad U R Wonderful by getting a copy from the center or ordering on amazon.in